US Homeland Security CSI: Agents Dick Strong & Fannie Goode bring a 9/11 conspiracy theorist-pedophile to justice!

hat tip: Washington’s Blog

Reality: 1-minute video of Congressperson Peter T. King, current Chair of the House Committee on Homeland Security, stating that assassinations of Americans declared “enemies” by the US President is “totally right, totally Constitutional,” and that questioning this policy makes one a “horrible moron”:

(satire): For those who aren’t addicted as I am to this hit TV show: here are highlights from this week’s episode! Our two favorite Special Agents in the whole world, Dick Strong and Fannie Goode, discuss their new case: a murdered man who believed in conspiracy theories:

Scene 1: Dick and Fannie (both 30-something, incredibly good-looking, confident, and smart) are in a living room standing over a dead man’s body. Three cops take pictures and collect evidence. The walls are covered with unorganized conspiracy theory pictures.

Dick: (with disgust) Conspiracy theorist (and here). Judging by the pictures, this guy believed we didn’t go to the moon, Elvis is alive, and aliens.

Fannie: And worse. Stuff like 9/11 was an inside job.

D: So he was a total nut-job.

F: Yup.

D: What killed him?

F: Woman’s high-heel shoe through the eye and into his brain. Also used to smash his testicles.

D: (dead-pan) That’s one way to crush those crazy conspiracy theories.

F: (delighted laugh) You’re so strong, Dick!

D: (smiles with eyes panning down and up Fannie): And you’re so good, Fannie.

F: (touches her face, flips her hair) Let’s go to the lab to see what our team has for us!

Scene 2: Large lab filled with equipment. Dick and Fannie stand with a male and female in lab coats, both 30-something, attractive, confident: Dr. White (African-American female) and Dr. Black (Asian-American).

Dr. Black: We checked his computer: our conspiracy theorist was a pedophile (and here, here, here).

Dr. White: 33 victims. Videos of various sex acts. We only see the kids in the videos, but we know it’s him.

Dick: Pedophile. No surprise there. Almost all “truthers” are pedophiles.

Fannie: All “truthers” I’ve encountered have been pedophiles. And worse.

(all nod in agreement)

Dr. Black: Good news is we have a blond hair with other evidence that leads to this woman as our killer: Mrs. Libertie Washington Justice (shows photo of a stunning 30-something woman, dressed in red, white, and blue leotard). Mrs. Justice is married to a United States Marine Sergeant Major. His name is Sargent Major Justice; they have twin 10-year-old boys, Ulysses and Grant.

D: Why the American flag outfit?

F: She volunteers for shows for the troops; great singer and dancer.

D: (looking at photo) What’s a nice girl like you doing with a crazy conspiracy theorist like that?

F: There’s only one way to find out. (smiles broadly, spins gracefully, and walks away from the camera like a model – one foot directly in front of the other to accentuate her curves)

D: (watching impressed, then in deadpan) I’m right behind you, Fannie.

Scene 3: Dick and Fannie walk up the porch steps of a small, immaculate, tasteful suburban home. They ring the doorbell.

Libertie: (opens door, dressed in red shorts and white t-shirt) Hello. May I help you?

Dick: Special agents Strong and Goode; DHS CSI. May we have a word?

L: Of course. Please come in.

Fannie: We’d like to ask you about this man (shows picture of when alive): Lee Wilkes Arnold Stalin. You know him?

L: Our Neighborhood Watch caught him handing-out 9-11 Truther dvds to kids coming home from school. We called the police.

F: What happened?

L: Truther got in the officers’ faces with his camera. He frothed and screamed about First Amendment Rights. Officers let him go.

D: I would have “fist amended” that truther. With left and right arms of my government! (instinctively flexes his powerful shoulders)

(Both women eye him up and down approvingly, catch each other looking, and smile at each other)

L: So would have my husband.

F: And your husband is an active-duty US Marine?

L: Yes. He’s had 31 freedom missions since 9/11 beginning with Operation O.I.L., but he wants two more: Syria (and here) and Russia. If all of us aren’t free, none of us are (large-screen television sounds a ringtone of the national anthem). Speak of the angel. Boys! It’s your father!

(Two handsome blond-haired ten-year-old twins run into the room. Libertie answers the video call to their TV)

Sgt. Justice: (broad smile from a ruggedly handsome 30-something, with obvious love) Family! I love you so much!

Boys: Daddy! We love you, too!

L: Hi, Baby! Sargent, I’d like to introduce DHS CSI Special Agents Strong (pointing to Dick) and Goode.

Sgt: (suddenly all business) How can we help you, Special Agents?

D: First things first, sir: thank you for your service. Special Agent Goode and I are former Marines.

L: As am I.

Boys: And so will we!

(all get teary-eyed)

D: We’re glad to hear from Mrs. Justice that you’re ready to deploy to Syria to bring freedom. Is that the consensus among the troops?

Sgt: Yes, sir. All of us are ready for freedom in Syria. Any talk otherwise is propaganda. And if Russia gets in the way of freedom, well, they’d better find a place to hide.

How can my wife and I help you?

F: (to Libertie) This is sensitive. Please have your boys leave the room.

(Libertie looks at Ulysses and Grant, who nod with instant respectful obedience)

D: Boys (salutes them).

(The twins gracefully stand to attention, return the salute, do a synchronous military about-face turn, and exit)

F: (handing the truther’s death photo to Libertie) Sergeant Major Justice, a 9-11 Truther-pedophile was killed. With all respect, evidence points to your wife as the one who killed him.

Sgt: Honnnnney… again?

L: The police officers refused to stop him handing-out truther dvds to kids, honey. To kids (with emphasis); maybe hundreds. I surveilled him, set-up video and audio equipment, and got this (uses remote to put on screen video of the truther, an overweight 40-something in need of a shave, balding with unkept hair, and slightly disheveled clothing. He’s bending over to talk with about a 10-year-old boy)

Truther: (in twisted combination of seduction and contempt) Hello, little boy. Would you like some candy and truth? Come with me, come with me.

(The boy appears hypnotized, and follows. The video shifts to Mrs. Justice’s cell phone as she walks behind them to the front of a house. The truther occasionally strokes the boy’s hair and neck, and whispers to him.)

L: That’s far enough, truther. Son, go home. (boy snaps out of the trance)

Boy: Thank you, ma’am. I don’t know what came over me. (exits)

Truther: You may have stopped me this time, but you won’t be so lucky next! We truthers want all the children! (maniacal laugh)

L: (stops video) I could show you more, but you get the picture. I had him let me in, took care of business, then hacked his computer to unencrypt pedophile evidence. Truthers are always pedophiles.

(everyone nods in agreement)

F: And you finished business yourself because police failed to act.

D: You should have called Homeland Security. We would have helped.

Sgt.: With all respect, Special Agents: DHS has its share of truthers. It would have put my wife at risk. These truther-pedophiles give us no choice but to defend our children.

(Dick and Fannie look at each other. Camera shows the honest and attractive faces of Mr. and Mrs. Justice)

D: As I always say, may the hard heel of justice penetrate the brains of every conspiracy theorist!

Sgt.: So we’re good here, Special Agents?

F: Yes. Let me give you both some good news. DHS labs have almost perfected pre-crime recognition (and here, here) for these truther-pedophiles with facial ID now at 99% accuracy. Because we all protect and defend the US Constitution (and here), we’ll wait for that last 1%, but then we’ll drone-assassinate these truther-pedophiles before they can abuse our children.

L: God bless you, Special Agents. Please give my husband and my thanks to your DHS lab scientists.

D: God bless DHS and America!

(patriotic music)

Scene 4: Tasteful and large office of Dr. Brava Heart (played by Sofia Vergara, triple doctorates in psychiatry, political science, and sociology. She has pictures of Dr. King, President Kennedy, and Gandhi on the wall behind her desk. Dr. Heart is seated at her large desk, with appropriate files and papers. Dick and Fannie are seated in front of her desk.

D: Dr. Heart, can you explain these truther-pedophile conspiracy theorists to us? How can they be so sick?

Dr.: Conspiracy theorists appear normal in many circumstances, just like an individual with cancer can appear normal and healthy. Just like we must kill cancer with massive chemotherapy, we must kill conspiracy theorists before they infect others.

It’s that simple.

F: How can we wake America up to these hard facts, Doctor?

Dr.: Keep killing and exposing them. We always find pedophile files on their computers, so keep using DHS officials and corporate media to repeat the message until it’s heard: conspiracy theorist-truthers are pedophiles. Americans must be ready and demanding for pre-crime recognition from DHS to catch and kill before any harm comes to our children.

D: And what about other types of truthers, like pot-smoking, anti-Semites who hate Israel, are against our troops, demand military arrests, want to invade the Fed… Commie bankers and free funny-moneyers…what do they call those?

F: Commie banks are “public banking;” free funny-money is “monetary reform” to truthers.

D: Yeah, thanks. And those so delusional they see “chemtrails” in clouds, anti-vaxxers to kill children, anti-media so the truthers aren’t exposed, grassy-knollers who say our brothers and sisters at CIA killed President Kennedy and Dr. King, truthers who say we kill children with intentional poverty?

F: And worse.

Dr. and D together: And worse.

Dr.: Facts always overcome lies, Special Agents. We will professionally, patiently, and passionately serve our nation until the light of justice exposes each and every one of those sick, criminal truthers. As Dr. King said, our nation is sick.

D: Sick from truther-porn.

F: I’m worried about our Veterans against gun control, Dr. Heart; some even defend the truthers (here, here, here, here).

Dr.: Facts, media, and patience, Special Agents. With God’s help for healing our nation, just as Dr. King wanted and would tell us if he could speak today.

D: We’ll do our part to heal our great nation, “Triple D.”

Dr.: (sitting straight to reveal her large and half-exposed breasts. Professionally and straight-faced line) Excuse me?

D: (straight-faced in recovery) Uh, that’s our nickname for you. For your triple doctors’ degrees.

Dr.: Of course (smiles and sensuously brushes her hair back with her hand).

F: (smiling and standing) Thank you for your research, Doctor, for a final solution to these crazy conspiracy theorists.

Dr.: And thank you, Special Agents, for your work in the field. Every American would thank you if they knew what you really do.

(Agents leave the office, walk down a hall)

D: Another day of serving justice, Special Agent Goode.

F: I’m thankful all of America is with us and our troops in this last war on domestic terrorist-conspiracy theorist-truther-pedophiles!

D: Thank God for that, yes.

F: But tomorrow’s another day for justice, Special Agent. (looks him up and down with attraction) Are you up for it again tomorrow morning, Dick?

D: (wry smile) With you? Always!

F: That’s my Dick Strong.

D: And that’s my Fannie Goode!

(scene fades to the security camera image of the two agents viewed by Dr. Heart on her computer)

Dr.: (smiles, sits straight with shoulders back, and touching between her breasts with affection) And that’s our Department of Homeland Security! God Bless America!

Non-satiracal note: Think I’m “jumping the shark” with over-the-top exaggeration? Watch this 1-minute video from this article, and reconsider:

Data is within the article’s links, and here are some bullet points:

The categories of crime include:

  1. Wars of Aggression (the worst crime a nation can commit).
  2. Likely treason for lying to US military, ordering unlawful attack and invasions of foreign lands, and causing thousands of US military deaths.
  3. Crimes Against Humanity for ongoing intentional policy of poverty that’s killed over 400 million human beings just since 1995 (~75% children; more deaths than from all wars in Earth’s recorded history).

Such crimes OBVIOUSLY call for legal arrests of “leaders” in government, and in corporate media for “covering” those crimes including in television shows this article parodies.

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“Interview” series:

Satire series:

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Note: I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History, with all economics factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences. I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants.

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Carl Herman is a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History; also credentialed in Mathematics. He worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu

Note: Examiner.com has blocked public access to my articles on their site (and from other whistleblowers), so some links in my previous work are blocked. If you’d like to search for those articles other sites may have republished, use words from the article title within the blocked link. Or, go to http://archive.org/web/, paste the expired link into the box, click “Browse history,” then click onto the screenshots of that page for each time it was screen-shot and uploaded to webarchive. I’ll update as “hobby time” allows; including my earliest work from 2009 to 2011 (blocked author pages: here, here).

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  • desertspeaks

    i do so love propaganda and indoctrination of the masses, disseminated via a television show. they call it programming for a reason folks!

  • Octo

    What a paIr of complete idiots!

  • Mr Reynard

    Have put my idiot box on hard rubbish collection about 10 years ago… Thank God I don’t have to be subjected to shit as described above ??