Thoughts of a Beheaded Head

Dostoievski once had a character imagine what a head would think if for some seconds it were aware of having been cut off by an executioner’s guillotine, or if somehow it were aware for a full minute, or even for five minutes.

I should think such a head would think thoughts entirely dependent on the circumstances and that the type of blade that committed the murder wouldn’t affect the thoughts too greatly.

I loved you, it might think, thinking of its loved ones. I did well there, if might think, thinking of its accomplishments. I’m sorry, it might think, dwelling momentarily on its deepest regrets — as likely as not relatively trivial incidents in which the head together with its body had hurt someone’s feelings.

I’ve died in a war, the head might think, despite opposing wars. I took the risk and enjoyed the thrill, yet the injustice remains. I didn’t launch the war. I didn’t make millions off it. I didn’t win votes from it. I tried to tell people what it was, and here I am no better than a soccer ball about to cease existing as a consciousness.

As the beheaded head’s remaining seconds stretched into what seemed to it a long period of time, it might be struck by the absurdity of the situation, and it might be horrified by the barbarism. I was supposed to not be the news, the head might think, and now I am the news. After pretending not to be human, my humanity — once ended — will now be used as a reason to escalate the war. No one will ask me. How could they?

But no one ever asked me, did they, even when I was connected to a neck and arms and legs? I reported on this battle or that atrocity. But did anyone ever ask whether the entire enterprise made me ashamed of my species? Did anyone ever ask whether the justifications used were any better than lunacy? My country decided 100 years ago that it would dominate the Middle East for oil — oil that will destroy the world itself if the wars don’t.

In recent years my country destroyed Iraq, killing a half-million to a million-and-a-half people, leaving behind a hell on earth, including a government that both beheads people and bombs them, as well as handing over weaponry to this gang that beheaded my body — a gang that could only have arisen in the hell on earth that Washington created and which will never match Washington’s scale of killing if it keeps beheading and crucifying for decades.

So what does the government of the people who read my reports do? It sends in more weapons to the close allies of ISIS and simultaneously starts bombing ISIS just one year after screaming that it must bomb the Syrian government that ISIS is fighting. And ISIS makes a movie demanding heavier U.S. attacks, and the U.S. obliges and launches heavier attacks. And ISIS recruitment soars, the weapons companies stocks soar, and I get my body cut off.

And because my body is gone from me, and because the war is begun, and because it is guaranteed to get worse rather than better, brave drone pilots will be told that they must continue the war so as not to offend themselves, and as they commit suicide after murdering people with joysticks, still more pilots will be called on so that the first ones will not have killed themselves in vain.

Why when we’re alive do we act as if the whole thing isn’t insane? Is it a function of our habit of acting as if our existence isn’t insane? We puff ourselves up, don’t we? We talk solemnly of strategy, energetically ignoring the intentional absurdity of the whole doomed project, just as we eat and eat and eat without ever once wondering what the junk we are eating will do to the worms who will dine on our flesh.

What if the world comes to its senses next week, the head might think as the world grows blurry around it. How will I feel to have missed it by so little? Well, I’ll feel nothing of course, and so I do hope that it will happen. I really do. This man who’s cut off my body has a loud laugh. He was sad yesterday morning and I could not ask him why. I wonder if people back home know that he thinks Americans can only understand the language of violence, so there’s no sense talking to them.

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