Obama signs ‘Jesus the terrorist’ bill for Jesus’ bank terrorism, treason, 9/11 deaths

(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that he signed into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill, blaming Jesus as the world’s first terrorist, and inspiring treason and terrorism today. US Christians will be taxed for Jesus’ bank terrorism if they don’t renounce Jesus. Press conference excerpts:

President Obama: It’s a hard truth that Jesus was a terrorist and traitor to his government. Please give me a few moments to explain:

His first act upon arriving to a major Empire city was to stage a terrorist attack upon banks, and without concern this occurred within Judaism’s most sacred religious temple. Jesus, like Hitler, was a fanatic leader we need to take at his word: Jesus swore to reject peace and live by the sword. His conviction for treason is justified by his actions: his fellow terrorists attacked peace officers with an assault sword, and Jesus claimed to be “king” in attempt to violently overthrow the Empire’s government.

The Empire didn’t negotiate with this terrorist: they executed him.

So what do we do as a nation under law when so many Americans worship a terrorist? Because we respect 1st Amendment rights in this country, we’re not calling Christians domestic terrorists yet. But because Jesus is arguably history’s first terrorist, it’s only right that today’s followers of Jesus help pay the costs of terrorism today. Jesus was a teacher alright, a teacher of terrorists like those who attacked America on 9/11. Therefore, today I’m signing into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill for Christians to atone for Jesus’ sins.

Q: Are you blaming Jesus for the 9/11 terrorist attacks?

Obama: Jesus’ attack on Jerusalem bankers showed Jesus and terrorism are one. Jesus is considered a prophet from God in Islam, so as history’s first terrorist, the US Congress and I are correct in saying 9/11 started with Jesus. On 9/11, Americans died for Jesus’ sins.

Q: What about this tax on Christians?

Obama: I have legal authority to use military force to defend America from terrorists and those who harbor them, as Christians harbor Jesus in their hearts. However, some members of Congress don’t feel comfortable using drone strikes on American Christian terrorists, at least at this time. In the spirit of bipartisan compromise, we agreed on a 10% income tax increase for unrepentant Christians.

Q: How will you impose this tax, sir?

Obama: NSA has complete records on Americans who go to church. All of them now have messages on all their communication devices: cell phones, e-mail, even their video games, that the tax applies to them. But they have a choice: if they renounce Jesus and give a sacrifice, we’ll remove them from the “Jesus’ terrorists” data base.

Q: What is the oath to renounce Jesus and avoid the tax on terrorists?

Obama: They must say to their cell phone or computer for NSA automatic recording: “Jesus is a terrorist hated by God. I reject him, and offer sacrifice to the US Gods.” This is similar to the Roman Empire’s requirements of suspected Christians for them to avoid execution. Again, we’re not there yet, but Christians need to understand that I don’t know how long I can hold back the wrath of the American people if Christians don’t surrender their faith to terrorism.

Q: What US Gods and sacrifice will patriotic soon-to-be-ex-Christians honor?

Obama: They can go to any of the nine banks with the combined derivative exposure of over $200 trillion, and either open an account or make a deposit of any amount while stating within the bank for permanent NSA documentation: “I willingly sacrifice to the Federal Reserve System: to that God, we trust.” Christians who don’t renounce Jesus will pay the 10% annual income tax increase for the next “too big to fail” bailout.

Q: Sir, how else will “Good Americans” demonize Jesus?

Obama: Renounce the terrorist’s teachings, especially so-called “love” of other terrorists rather than love of US government. Our drone strikes on microcredit terrorism should result in the wounded being shunned, not helped because of empathy for God-forsaken terrorists. We double-tap the terror associates to help end the Orwellian distortion of “love” to help terrorists who should pay the price of terror.

Q: Did leadership of the Left and Right arms of our government consider options other than targeting Christian terrorism?

Obama: Yes. We considered what we did to the terrorist Paul Revere’s corpse, but that obviously wouldn’t work with Jesus. But, upon discussion and reflection, we’re happy with this policy track because frankly oligarchs from both parties are feeling pressure to accelerate our agenda for war on Iran, eliminating domestic dissent/terrorism, and keeping economic control within fewer and trusted hands.

Q: You sound worried, sir. How can loyal Americans help?

Obama: (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger) I appreciate corporate media: just keep proselytizing. Along with preaching our program to schools for 100 US children killing terrorists with drones, we’re opening a new campaign to schools you can help spread: “Forget Useless Christian Keepsakes America!”

Q: F.U.C.K. America?

Obama: Yes, F.U.C.K. America! It’s the only way to realize our agenda.

(non-satiric note): All of us who recognize Orwellian crimes of US “leadership” creatively engage to communicate the “emperor has no clothes” obvious facts to the public. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize unlawful orders centering in war and money, refuse them, and arrest those who issue them.

As a teacher of history, government, and economics, here’s my attempt to most accurately frame US history compared with corporate media texts.


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Note: I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History, with all economics factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences. I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants.


Carl Herman is a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History; also credentialed in Mathematics. He worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu

Note: Examiner.com has blocked public access to my articles on their site (and from other whistleblowers), so some links in my previous work are blocked. If you’d like to search for those articles other sites may have republished, use words from the article title within the blocked link. Or, go to http://archive.org/web/, paste the expired link into the box, click “Browse history,” then click onto the screenshots of that page for each time it was screen-shot and uploaded to webarchive. I’ll update as “hobby time” allows; including my earliest work from 2009 to 2011 (blocked author pages: here, here).



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  • Jay R.

    Is someone on vacation?

    • Carl_Herman

      I appreciate the opportunity to make clear the purpose of satire: it shatters the veneer of respectability from psychopathic actions.

      In this case, US “leadership” engages in the most vicious unlawful wars and looting while oligarch 1% partners in media, government, and economics pretend this is normal behavior.

      That’s my answer, and here’s my question to you: what are you doing to expose and end these crimes killing millions, harming billions, and looting trillions? You’re not on vacation from this, are you?

      • Jay Rowland

        Just got back from Vacation, Florida, it is very nice there. We don’t have much for beaches here in Arkansas.

        Carl when you F-bomb, mention Jesus and Obama in the same article, even though you are in full satire mode you distance yourself from many people who can help your cause. I appreciate all of the hard work you put in the blog and especially the fact that your articles are not anonymous. I think that articles that are not anonymous add credibility to this site.

        (my two cents)
        I few of us have asked if it were possible that you take the Truth or Fiction down in front of 9/11 blogger link, Mr. Gold does great work and deserves better.

  • gozounlimited

    Waging Guerrilla War on the Banksters
    Whether it is banking, healthcare or even public education, the globalists have virtual control over the entire system. They also control the dialogue through their domination of the mainstream media
    and they do so to their advantage and to our extreme detriment.

    This article will take a very brief look at banking, and then propose solutions based upon common sense and from the field of psychology which could be used to mitigate the effectiveness of the globalists on a broad front in this arena……. http://www.activistpost.com/2013/07/waging-guerrilla-war-on-banksters.html

    • Carl_Herman

      Nice article, gozounlimited; thanks for sharing it 🙂

  • Washington76

    Who do these Fascist think they are kidding? I know all of the Sheeple!

    9-10-2001 Pentagon missing $2.3 trillion Rumsfeld Exposed


  • The Grammy

    Ok, I like satire like most anyone else. I like a good laugh based on absurd topics. But I don’t like a non-citizen moslem in the same sentence as my Savior Jesus Christ. I’m just sayin. Peace to all of you….His peace.

  • Squishhhhug

    This is completely nuts !!! And funny – Jesus is OF GOD the father -sent to free us from sin – through love and forgiveness – who the fuc* made him violent- because he threw over some tables because he knew the root of all evil???? The love of money – had no place in the church of GOD ???? he did nothing to Ceaser. Jesus never lifted a finger to any man that is recorded for his mission. Anyone who does fight another to even kill – cannot be a Christian in the flesh – and Jesus was the love and forgiveness out of this, but that does not mean that followers should go out killing people of their own will and make up of sins and judgement – Christian soldiers are spiritual and do it the way Jesus wants them to – by teaching , love , forgiveness , morality and such AND living as such in modesty – humbleness…-.***

    Don’t go putting your own imagination of Jesus into effect as being fact !!!! Put yourselves on trial for a change !!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Squishhhhug

    If Jesus did not come – everyone would still be at war with each other – grow up obama

  • mandi

    What a self centered, critical Nazi this so called man is. Impeachment needs to happen befor all of America disintegrates.

  • tony

    Doesnt matter, i still think OBUMMER is a COMPLETE WASTE of a human being..