(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that he signed into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill, blaming Jesus as the world’s first terrorist, and inspiring treason and terrorism today. US Christians will be taxed for Jesus’ bank terrorism if they don’t renounce Jesus. Press conference excerpts:
President Obama: It’s a hard truth that Jesus was a terrorist and traitor to his government. Please give me a few moments to explain:
His first act upon arriving to a major Empire city was to stage a terrorist attack upon banks, and without concern this occurred within Judaism’s most sacred religious temple. Jesus, like Hitler, was a fanatic leader we need to take at his word: Jesus swore to reject peace and live by the sword. His conviction for treason is justified by his actions: his fellow terrorists attacked peace officers with an assault sword, and Jesus claimed to be “king” in attempt to violently overthrow the Empire’s government.
The Empire didn’t negotiate with this terrorist: they executed him.
So what do we do as a nation under law when so many Americans worship a terrorist? Because we respect 1st Amendment rights in this country, we’re not calling Christians domestic terrorists yet. But because Jesus is arguably history’s first terrorist, it’s only right that today’s followers of Jesus help pay the costs of terrorism today. Jesus was a teacher alright, a teacher of terrorists like those who attacked America on 9/11. Therefore, today I’m signing into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill for Christians to atone for Jesus’ sins.
Q: Are you blaming Jesus for the 9/11 terrorist attacks?
Obama: Jesus’ attack on Jerusalem bankers showed Jesus and terrorism are one. Jesus is considered a prophet from God in Islam, so as history’s first terrorist, the US Congress and I are correct in saying 9/11 started with Jesus. On 9/11, Americans died for Jesus’ sins.
Q: What about this tax on Christians?
Obama: I have legal authority to use military force to defend America from terrorists and those who harbor them, as Christians harbor Jesus in their hearts. However, some members of Congress don’t feel comfortable using drone strikes on American Christian terrorists, at least at this time. In the spirit of bipartisan compromise, we agreed on a 10% income tax increase for unrepentant Christians.
Q: How will you impose this tax, sir?
Obama: NSA has complete records on Americans who go to church. All of them now have messages on all their communication devices: cell phones, e-mail, even their video games, that the tax applies to them. But they have a choice: if they renounce Jesus and give a sacrifice, we’ll remove them from the “Jesus’ terrorists” data base.
Q: What is the oath to renounce Jesus and avoid the tax on terrorists?
Obama: They must say to their cell phone or computer for NSA automatic recording: “Jesus is a terrorist hated by God. I reject him, and offer sacrifice to the US Gods.” This is similar to the Roman Empire’s requirements of suspected Christians for them to avoid execution. Again, we’re not there yet, but Christians need to understand that I don’t know how long I can hold back the wrath of the American people if Christians don’t surrender their faith to terrorism.
Q: What US Gods and sacrifice will patriotic soon-to-be-ex-Christians honor?
Obama: They can go to any of the nine banks with the combined derivative exposure of over $200 trillion, and either open an account or make a deposit of any amount while stating within the bank for permanent NSA documentation: “I willingly sacrifice to the Federal Reserve System: to that God, we trust.” Christians who don’t renounce Jesus will pay the 10% annual income tax increase for the next “too big to fail” bailout.
Q: Sir, how else will “Good Americans” demonize Jesus?
Obama: Renounce the terrorist’s teachings, especially so-called “love” of other terrorists rather than love of US government. Our drone strikes on microcredit terrorism should result in the wounded being shunned, not helped because of empathy for God-forsaken terrorists. We double-tap the terror associates to help end the Orwellian distortion of “love” to help terrorists who should pay the price of terror.
Q: Did leadership of the Left and Right arms of our government consider options other than targeting Christian terrorism?
Obama: Yes. We considered what we did to the terrorist Paul Revere’s corpse, but that obviously wouldn’t work with Jesus. But, upon discussion and reflection, we’re happy with this policy track because frankly oligarchs from both parties are feeling pressure to accelerate our agenda for war on Iran, eliminating domestic dissent/terrorism, and keeping economic control within fewer and trusted hands.
Q: You sound worried, sir. How can loyal Americans help?
Obama: (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger) I appreciate corporate media: just keep proselytizing. Along with preaching our program to schools for 100 US children killing terrorists with drones, we’re opening a new campaign to schools you can help spread: “Forget Useless Christian Keepsakes America!”
Q: F.U.C.K. America?
Obama: Yes, F.U.C.K. America! It’s the only way to realize our agenda.
(non-satiric note): All of us who recognize Orwellian crimes of US “leadership” creatively engage to communicate the “emperor has no clothes” obvious facts to the public. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize unlawful orders centering in war and money, refuse them, and arrest those who issue them.
- 2016 interview with Socrates on human ‘progress,’ winning the endgame of today’s exposure of unlawful empire (1 of ?)
- 2016 interview with Socrates: US today is Athens’ empire of hypocrisy and hubris; will US public stand for obvious justice or remain oblivious to evil? (2 of ?)
- 2016 interview with Socrates: I was Athens’ ‘wacky conspiracy theorist’ for honoring my military/citizen Oath: are people today to live as educated humans, or remain obedient sheeple? (3 of ?)
- 2016 interview with Socrates: ‘Golden Age of Greece,’ my Aesop! But you can have one for all Earth now if you want (4 of ?)
- 2016 interview with Socrates: Standing for Truth, Love, & Technology on a planet of lies, sadism, & slavery (5 of ?)
- 2016 interview with Socrates: Another day of Life in the Empire! Are we near an endgame, or fools to ever ‘hope for change’? (6 of ?)
- 2016 interview with President John F. Kennedy: who assassinated me and why, American public’s opportunity today to cause peace
- 2016 interview with Martin King: Justice demands peace, ending poverty, arrests for my assassination by US government
- July 4th, 2016 interview with Washington, Jefferson, Adams: America’s REQUIREMENT from our Declaration of Independence & Constitution to arrest .01% criminal ‘Nobility class,’ or suffer as their indentured servants
- Rescuing Goddess Earth & Her creations: ‘We the People’ as beacons for truth, love, justice (an analogy)
- ‘Election’ 2016 interview with Washington, Jefferson, Adams: America’s right and necessity to arrest .01% tyrants engaged in lie-started illegal Wars of Aggression, bankster-looting, and constant lying
- July 4: Obama to exhume, posthumously hang Paul Revere for spying, treason
- Obama celebrates 30 million US war-kills since WW2; past Hitler to #3 all-time!
- Obama launches video game contest: 100 child winners to drone-kill real terrorists
- Obama declares War on Terror Financing (WTF); microcredit is now terrorism
- Obama signs ‘Jesus the terrorist’ bill for Jesus’ bank terrorism, treason, 9/11 deaths
- July 4: Obama drone-strikes George Washington’s grave, posthumously declares him ‘domestic terrorist’
- US Homeland Security CSI: Agents Dick Strong & Fannie Goode bring a 9/11 conspiracy theorist-pedophile to justice!
- Bush Sr. & W, Bill Clinton, Obama Skype with ‘Black Hat handler’ to avoid public discovery of .01% Crimes Against Humanity, looting, pedophilia
- Trump, H. Clinton, Bush Sr., Obama Skype with ‘Black Hat handler’: ‘recount’ ‘election’ to Clinton? False flag ‘civil war’ to censor ‘fake news’ media? Russia in the cross-hairs of WW3?
- Trump, Obama, Clintons, Bushes Skype with ‘Black Hat handler’: Hail Mary plan to end alternative media as ‘fake news,’ purge government ‘White Hats,’ restore corporate media reputation by reporting on UFOs
Note: I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History, with all economics factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences. I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants.
Carl Herman is a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History; also credentialed in Mathematics. He worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu
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