Obama launches video game contest: 100 child winners to drone-kill real terrorists

(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that a national video game contest would produce 100 US child winners to become Air Force “guest pilots” to kill real terrorists with Hellfire missiles from MQ-9 Reaper drones. Press conference excerpts:

President Obama: At our last press conference, we celebrated America’s 30 millionth war kill since WW2, moving past Hitler’s Nazis to #3 on the all-time kill list by governments (press members applaud). We said we’d put Abdul Al-Awlaki’s picture on Hellfire missiles for a “special occasion,” and here it is: we’re awarding 100 young Americans a 2-week terrorist-killing spree, with their families, just outside Las Vegas at Creech Air Force Base to remotely fly Reaper drones on real combat missions (“Ooh, ahh!” from press).

The great news is that all American gamers are already entered to win! NSA partnership allows us to already know our gamers’ data, including who are the most effective killers. We’ll start notifying winners through texts, e-mail, and the special treat of through their games while they play! We’ll take winners as young as six-years-old. So kids: kill-away if you’d like to win, we’re already keeping score!

Q: What all do the winners get?

Obama: All-expenses-paid trips to Las Vegas for two weeks, with their families. Once-a-day we’ll transport winners and families to Creech AFB for at least one terrorist kill. Don’t worry: the Air Force will have plenty of terrorists for everyone to kill! We’ll film the action for immediate upload to Facebook, YouTube, and all other social media. We’ll encourage school social studies teachers to show the kills to their classes. And we know we can count on corporate media to publicize these Young Americans defending our freedoms! (press members chant, “USA! USA!”)

Q: What will the winners do when they aren’t killing terrorists?

Obama: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! We’ll pay for whatever the kids want to do. We’re waiving all age restrictions because if they’re mature enough to kill terrorists, they’re mature enough for escort services, gambling, or whatever else.

Q: You can’t beat that logic! Any chance for missions against domestic terrorists?

Obama: You never know what might happen with domestic terrorists requiring another lockdown. Just as we didn’t choose this War on Terrorism that forces us to drone-kill suspects and associates across the globe, we won’t be choosing a war on domestic terrorists. But, and I’m just sayin’, if that were to occur, we’d protect public safety from domestic terrorists by drones with shoot-to-kill orders.

Q: And we all know it’s legal to assassinate American terrorists, of course.

Obama: Again, as Peter King, Chair of the House Committee on Homeland Security says, it’s “totally right, totally Constitutional.” And if you question this, you’re a “horrible moron.”  It’s now US law to stop terrorists before they have a chance to kill. All associated deaths are the fault of the terrorists, and Attorney General Holder affirms we can kill anyone we say is “engaged” in combatting America.

Q: Can we look forward to any other exciting contests for our children?

Obama: Yes. We’re planning a school essay contest: “How drone-kills abroad protect American freedoms at home.” And in case we need to activate FEMA camps, we think it would be practical skill-building and great fun for a Hunger Games-like competition among the camps. We’re not planning this, of course. I’m just sayin’…

(non-satiric note): Explore the links for historical connections and Orwellian acts of US government in the present. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize “emperor has no clothes” unlawful orders, refuse them, and arrest those who issued them.

As a teacher of history, government, and economics, here’s my attempt to most accurately frame US history compared with corporate media texts.

“Interview” series:

Satire series:

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  • Fred Shithouse

    If this was a “white house petition” it would get huge support.

    • Boodiba

      You have me going there because at the moment I’m reading the novel Ender’s Game. The similarites are a little too close for comfort.

  • jo6pac

    Thanks Carl Herman, great writing even if its so true and scary.

    • Carl_Herman

      You’re welcome, jo6pac. We’re all trying our best to communicate and inspire.