Obama celebrates 30 million US war-kills since WW2; past Hitler to #3 on all-time list!

(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that the US moved past Hitler’s Nazis to #3 for number of deaths caused by government (democide). Press conference excerpts:

President Obama: America’s heritage of celebrating war spans from our national anthem to supporting the War on Terror today. I’m proud to announce the US has moved past Hitler’s Nazis for third place on the all-time list of most people killed by governments. That’s right, we’ve out-murdered the Nazis! (press members chant “USA! USA!”)

I know you’re excited; let me explain what this means: since WW2, the US has killed between 20 and 30 million evil-doers, communists, and terrorists in humanitarian interventions. The list of democides has China at #1 with over 75 million, and the USSR at #2 with over 60 million… but we stopped the Ruskies dead in their tracks when we won the Cold War! (press members laugh)

Then there’s Hitler and the Nazis at just over 20 million. To celebrate America, we now officially assert ourselves better than Hitler’s Nazis in killing the Untermensch! (press cheers) It’s only right that American ingenuity outperforms German efficiency because they stole the word Untermensch and idea of eugenics from us! (more “USA! USA!” chants)

Q: Is there a particular person we’re celebrating as the 30 millionth kill?

Obama: We’ve selected an American to honor: 16-year-old Abdul al-Awlaki. If I had a son, he’d look like Abdul (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger). We’ll put his image on a Hellfire missile to be used for an upcoming contest (stay tuned). Although, when you do the math, the average number we kill is literally a thousand every day for the past 68 years since WW2, so it’s impossible to know for sure.

Q: Wait, isn’t it illegal to target and kill Americans in a War on Terror?

Obama: Not at all. As Peter King, Chair of the House Committee on Homeland Security says, it’s “totally right, totally Constitutional.” And if you question this, you’re a “horrible moron.”  And I’ll also go with my advisor, Robert Gibbs: because we killed his American father previously, it was the dad’s fault we also killed his son.

Q: You can’t beat that logic! And the Attorney General said this is legal, right?

Obama: Yes. Eric Holder is among many leaders from the Left and Right arms of our government affirming US right to disappear or assassinate any American we choose. This is not just dictator talk: it’s the law under the 2006 Military Commissions Act and 2012 NDAA.

Q: We shouldn’t support using aircrafts to kill people!

Obama: (gestures to Secret Service, two grab reporter and lift him out of his seat)

Q: (being dragged away from his chair) I meant the terrorists on 9/11! I know all 5,000 killed by our drone aircrafts hated us for our freedoms!

Obama: Sorry! I’m just a little nervous admitting we’re behind China in anything (smiles, press members laugh). But with your help, we’ll have our war in Iran soon, and add ten or twenty million more kills to our growing total!

Q: Isn’t there a way to manipulate the numbers to make us #1 right now?

Obama: We respect Stalin’s totalitarian techniques too much to cheat. We thought about China’s higher population helping their death total, but that’s balanced by the Nazis’ higher per year killings. We also considered the US leading role of preventing the end of poverty with a million children’s deaths every month because we could say that makes us #1 with about five years worth of dead kids. But we wanted to inspire Americans for war on Iran to make an honest move up that list.

So, as always in our great democracy, we need the public’s support if we want to be #1. It’s not enough to just support our troops; Americans clearly need to support our wars. Will you help us reach #1? (press cheers, chants, “USA! USA!”)

(non-satiric note): Explore the links for historical connections and Orwellian acts of US government in the present. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize “emperor has no clothes” unlawful orders, refuse them, and arrest those who issued them.

As a teacher of history, government, and economics, here’s my attempt to most accurately frame US history compared with corporate media texts.

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“Interview” series:

Satire series:

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Note: I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History, with all economics factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences. I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants.

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Carl Herman is a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History; also credentialed in Mathematics. He worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu

Note: Examiner.com has blocked public access to my articles on their site (and from other whistleblowers), so some links in my previous work are blocked. If you’d like to search for those articles other sites may have republished, use words from the article title within the blocked link. Or, go to http://archive.org/web/, paste the expired link into the box, click “Browse history,” then click onto the screenshots of that page for each time it was screen-shot and uploaded to webarchive. I’ll update as “hobby time” allows; including my earliest work from 2009 to 2011 (blocked author pages: here, here).

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  • gozounlimited

    This is how they do it….. the Hootchie Kooch ………John Kerry Was
    Totally Chilling On His Yacht During The Egyptian Coup (Gawker…. Gabrielle Bluestone)

    At this point John Kerry should just consider quitting water sports all together. In a flip-flop that played out like that 2004 Bush windsurfing ad, Kerry first adamantly denied — then reluctantly admitted — that he was out frolicking on his yacht during the Egyptian military coup Wednesday….. http://gawker.com/john-kerry-was-totally-chilling-on-his-yacht-during-the-679497621

  • kimyo

    off topic, but there is a man who is responsible for even more human death and suffering than obama, bush and hitler combined – norman borlaug, who brought us hybridized dwarf wheat.

    agreed, without it, we’d never have 7 billion alive today.

    otoh, this ‘perfect, chronic poison’ is linked to diabetes (and as well ‘type 3 diabetes, aka alzheimers), schizophrenia, auto-immune diseases (athritis, multiple sclerosis, psoriasis, crohn’s), asthma, pcos, migraines and on.

    exhaustive analysis/examination here:
    http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2010/09/19/paleo-diet-solution/

    if monsanto makes it, don’t eat it.

  • Tonto

    Not unlike CIA asset Julian Assange, Edward Snowden is really only giving us old news. And now, Agent Snowden is apparently seeking to gain an incursion foothold in Venezuela. Few Americans have been able to gauge just how devious and invasive is the CIA.

    As a pretext for war with Venezuela, Snowden will be next portrayed as a man as much an enemy of the United States as the fake bogey-man Osama bin Laden, who gave pretext for invading countries all over the Middle East.

    The Alternative media has been made a dupe and pawn, again. This time the alternative media helped facilitate yet another invasion in the current world war that is already being waged. This time thankfully, in a humanitarian sense, it looks like the world is just going to roll over and let the aggressor win. And, who would have it any other way?

    This will save lives, while making it clear that thanks to Hollywood, and the ruse of Western scientific exceptionalism, America is the favorite country of the world, hands down. Just look at all the young, sweet, little, humanitarian, rascally, bureaucratic geniuses that are plotting the future of humanity! In that ignorant, Twentieth Century, humanitarian moral sense so mistaken and yet still so common, don’t you feel much better now? Sure you do.

    Americans have a solution for everything! Just look at these sharp guys and gals at the CIA!

  • Sal

    If Obama does want to cheat a little to inflate America’s kill count, then he can factor in the fact that the American government, along with England, financed the Bolshevik revolution which put Stalin in power. They also supported the communist Chinese in fighting the imperial Japanese which got Mao into power. China and USSR can’t hog all the credit. Then there are all the other murderous dictators that the US supported and funded (and sometimes later overthrew when their use was gone) over the years. But I trust Obama is too honourable a man to count indirect killing.

  • Carmella Laney

    War always means a bloodshed. However, all these numbers seem to be a mere manipulation and just an attempt to shake the political position of the President Obama.

    Carmella
    http://allstudentdeals.com/

    • Carl_Herman

      You list a link for “students” yet show zero evidence of student work to read, explain, and document your claim of “mere manipulation” of war deaths. This, therefore, Carmella, is an unsubstantiated claim that those of us serious to work with reality instantly dismiss.

      If you want to graduate from your current position of a failed student in this area for refusing to do your homework, read the documentation.

      Your life, and your call, Carmella. And being heartless and mindless about ~30 million US war murders has consequences of the world you choose to live in. Choose wisely.