(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that Paul Revere would be exhumed and posthumously hanged for spying, domestic terrorism, and treason on July 4th outside his home that still stands in Boston. Press conference excerpts:
President Obama: Mr. Revere spied on his own government and revealed national security secrets to domestic terrorists that killed 73 and wounded 174 government troops. These brave soldiers had lawful orders to enforce gun control. If it’s one thing we learned from American history, it’s that public acceptance of gun control prevents terrorist attacks on American soil.
Q: Didn’t the public have a right to keep arms for their own defense?
Obama: Of course. But did they need cannon and storehouses of gunpowder? Ordinary, law-abiding citizens do not need that kind of firepower. Soldiers were enforcing reasonable limits on weapons that could only be used for domestic terrorism.
Q: Paul Revere wasn’t the only person involved. Why focus on him for Independence Day?
Obama: Mr. Revere is the best known spy among the terrorists. Mr. Revere should be the first example of how America deals with spies who dangerously expose government officials. Americans need to reject voices that warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that’s at the root of all our problems. They’ll warn that tyranny is always lurking just around the corner. You should reject these voices.
Q: What are your plans for other well-known domestic terrorists?
Obama: Next July 4th, we’ll exhume and punish the slaver who died on July 4th who wrote for treason against government: Thomas Jefferson. We’ll get the so-called “general” Washington on his birthday next year; the para-military rebel leader. Immediately, all traitors’ portraits will be removed from Federal Reserve currency: Washington will be replaced by a real American: George Bush Senior. Jefferson will be replaced by the greatest job-creator in US history: J.P. Morgan. Benjamin Franklin will be swapped with his Loyalist son, William, a fine example of a child with the courage to support government over family.
Q: And we understand you’re “rehabilitating” other historical figures?
Obama: Yes. We’re honoring John Adams as the lawyer who defended government troops who fired upon domestic terrorists in self-defense, and to reinstate the “Sedition Act” this year to arrest and imprison anyone acting against government authority. To reframe the terrorist Boston Tea Party, we’re replacing Samuel Adams’ portrait on all those beer products with one of him as an older man with this quote when he was wiser: “The man who dares rebel against the laws of a republic ought to suffer death.” Cheers to Sam Adams!
Q: What will you do with Mr. Revere’s body?
Obama: We’ll have a secret military tribunal try him in absentia under the 2006 Military Commissions Act and 2012 NDAA. They’ll declare him guilty of spying and treason, and confirm his status as an unlawful enemy combatant. We chose hanging and public display of the body over a drone strike on his grave because of our commitment to minimize collateral damage from our lawful use of drones. I understand that Mr. Revere’s body was successfully exhumed, and is being strategically reinforced to support his indefinite suspension on our newest national monument (smile to press members’ laughter). Yeah, ride on this, Paul! (makes hanging gesture, more press laughter)
Q: What will you do if terrorist supporters try to retrieve Mr. Revere?
Obama: We’ll be ready. We’ve deployed new face-recognition cameras for known domestic terrorist suspects, have multiple security cameras with remote-controlled guns as in Israel, and can employ small personal-strike drones on anyone who enters the red zone. We’ve taken this challenge to defend America’s latest national monument to celebrate our freedom.
Q: How else will this new national monument to freedom help the average American?
Obama: All Americans can take pride in our resolve to defend ourselves from terrorist spies like Mr. Revere, Mr. Snowden, and other would-be spies. This pride will help support our troops to win the war on terrorism, continue our economic recovery, and encourage Americans to support gun control to keep all of us safer. It will also strengthen American trust in official acts and information reported by mainstream media.
God bless America. Happy 4th of July, everyone!
(non-satiric note): Explore the links for the historical connections and Orwellian acts of US government in the present. For my best public and professional effort as a teacher of history, government, and economics, here’s my attempt to most accurately frame US history.