America Is Changing Its Name

Top financial company AIG is changing its name to “AIU Holdings”.

Top private defense contractor Blackwater is changing its name to “Xe”.

Following AIG and Blackwater’s lead, the U.S. has decided to change its name.

White House spokesman Joe King today announced that the U.S. is changing its name in order to decrease associations the Founding Fathers and thorny issues like taxation without representation.

“There is so much anger among the American public”, said King at a White House press conference, “that we think it would be helpful to refocus our national attention and to calm everyone down so we can get on with the important work of economic recovery.”

The new name for the world’s most powerful nation: the United Swaps of America.

“After weeks of consultation with Larry Summers, Tim Geithner, and the CEOs of Citigroup, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan and the financial leaders, we have crafted a new name which accurately conveys President Obama’s new vision of hope and change”, King said.

Nobel economists Paul Krugman, Joseph Stiglitz and Myron Scholes confirmed that the new change was a fair reflection of current economic realities in America.

“I thought we should ‘blow up’ the credit default swaps”, Scholes said. “Since the administration has decided to instead gear its trillions of dollars in bailout programs to pay them off at their full face value, the new name change is an accurate label.”

“It is true that the credit default swap counterparties are the new constituents of government”, Stiglitz said. “All of the economic programs appear to be aimed at making sure they get paid in full . . . I guess it is ‘one swap, one vote’, so the new name is a better description for the current system”.

Krugman, who was a vocal critic of the Bush administration and had previously said that he is in “despair” over Obama’s economic policy, said that he is now in a much better mood:

“I was really frustrated when I thought that this was a government of the people, by the people and all of that kind of stuff …

Now that I realize that the government is really for counterparties to these swaps, I guess its working well enough.”

King said that the old initials “U.S.A.” will still be used.

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  • JJR

    Did you hear ol’ already-disgraced AIG chief Hank Greenberg publicly muttering how this wouldn’t have happened on his watch, etc…Such chutzpah!To think I actually worked for AIG once…but we in the Houston office always thought the NYC suits were pinheads who never even tried to understand our office or our local business operations…none of which kept them from trying to micromanage and screw things up anyway.(We provided emergency medical assistance to travel insurance policyholders; I worked closely with MDs and RNs, medically evacuating our clients from gawd awful places round the clock. It was fulfilling work because you knew you actually made a real difference in someone’s life.)Admitting publicly that I worked for AIG nowadays feels about as comfortable as someone admitting to be a former cult member or something.